A classic book by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, called How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, contains a story that I have rewritten for my own purposes and recounted to virtually every client who enters my office. The book illustrates its points with cartoons, in a series of panels. The " turtle story " begins with a young skirt inflowing her father ' s office in grieving. " My turtle is drag! " doll wails. Her father turns from his trial and replies, " It ' s just a turtle. We ' ll get you a new one. " His daughter ' s requiem stay unabated. I identified juicy with that structure, for that ' s how my parents talked to me when I was young.
But turning the page offers a different synopsis, which I have amplified to drive the point home. Once also, the young nymph enters her father ' s office in tears and wails, " My turtle is dead! " But this time the father behaves differently. He sits down opposite his daughter, making eye contact, and says, " You miss your turtle. " " Yes! " she exclaims between sobs. " He was my friend. " " You sound sad, " the father observes. " I am, " she cries. " Suppose you tell me about it, " he says, and continues listening until the girl has finished everything she has to say.
Then, instead of offering a ready - made solution, the father asks, " What are we going to do about this? " She reflects for a moment and then inquires, " Can we bury him in the back yard? " " Of course we can, " her father says.
When I first read this story many years ago I wept, and the first several times I told it to clients I got a lump in my throat. I would love to have had someone talk to me that way when I was a child.
This little story contains all the basic principles for dealing with feelings, whether your own or someone else ' s. First, listen openly and with empathy. Communicate to the other person ( or to yourself ) that there is nothing in the world that you would rather be doing right now than listening to the expression of these feelings. It may be helpful to reflect back, " You seem angry ( or scared, or whatever ). " ( When overwhelmed by a situation, children may only be able to describe themselves as " upset. " You can assist them to discriminate among the basic emotions. )
Don ' t interrupt; don ' t analyze; don ' t criticize; don ' t propose solutions: just listen. ( If you ' re listening to yourself, get out your journal and just write out every word that the feelings inspire, without worrying about punctuation or grammar. ) Then, after the feelings have been completely expressed, indicate your solidarity by asking, " What do you think we should do about this? " ' Not " Here ' s what you should do, " or " What are you going to do? " but " What can we do? " Often the person who ' s upset - be it a child, a friend, or a partner - will already know what needs to be done. In other cases, you can help the person explore various options without ever declaring what you think to be the right choice ( no matter how sure you are that you have the answer ).
To be truly listened to when you are upset is a rare gift. Honor the occasion that permits you to offer it.
